i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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