My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
We were destined to go to rehab together
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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