I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
