I wish my penis had an off switch
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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