Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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