he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
