just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
