The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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