there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
