Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
