I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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