So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
