if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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