Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
