dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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