She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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