My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
