dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
