WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
