she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
