she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
