Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
