Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
