I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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