Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
