Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
please come you make the beer taste better
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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