So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Randomize
