wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
