can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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