Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
