It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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