I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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