I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
