Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
