just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
40s are totally the cure
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
