if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
