I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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