Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
