dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
