rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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