You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
