My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You need a sexual gate keeper
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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