Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
