I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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