wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
