3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
