there's paper in my vomit.
I skipped work to stalk him.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
