Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
