remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
