I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
