I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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