a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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