Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
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