I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
