I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
