My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
