you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
