I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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