I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
