I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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