just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
