Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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